Why my new solo show is the most vulnerable project I’ve ever written

When I went full-time freelance in 2016, I wanted to dive deep into creative projects. First, I wrote a poetry collection published in 2017, and then I wrote a solo show called Jewnique about my tumultuous relationship with Judaism. Thing is, I was just scratching the surface with those shows.

I was avoiding writing about a subject that has long been on my mind but one I never covered thoroughly as a writer: my father’s mental illness and how it affected our family.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is devastating in both its tentacled reach into a sufferer’s mind and its impact on those circling his orbit. When I was living with my parents, I was confused about what it was, why it made my father disappear from us, and exactly how it began to entrench itself in my father’s body.

I attempted to write a poem about my father’s OCD when I was younger, but I wasn’t proud of this early attempt to understand it. I knew I needed a wider berth to really delve into its various nuances and ripple effects on not just me but also on my mother and brother.

And so my new solo show Before & After began to take shape in 2019, thanks to a grant from the Canada Council of the Arts. It’s gone through nine drafts, two directors, one dramaturg and dozens of rehearsals since the final text was finalized two months ago. And it’s been one of the most difficult shows to write because of how personal and vulnerable every single paragraph has become.